Craigslist - A Diatribe

Craigslist is funny.

I really like looking around craigslist...when I'm bored, I'll just log on and search around the Minneapolis/St. Paul craigslist and see what I find. My favorite places to look are in the personal ads (obviously), the 'adult gigs' section, the free items listings, and the vehicles. All of them provide plenty of hilarity for your average red blooded American to enjoy. The personals and adult ads are full of desperate men and women willing to do anything for a buck, as well as people (usually men) whose deep-seated and disturbing fetishes can now be advertised anonymously.

Actual craigslist ad I found:

" Need a girl under 26 who can fart

I am a college student and just curious to play out this fetish.

Try your best to fart for 15 mins. near my face

pay 100

Please be cute, college-aged 18-26

If curious you can email questions ... "

One hundred dollars. That's how much some freakish pimplefaced gollum who apparently attends a local college is willing to pay to be farted on. I also love how he says "try your best" to fart for 15 MINUTES. Listen, I've had some big farts in my day, and even a succession of farts that stretched out a bit, but 15 minutes of straight up farting? Either this chick is gonna have to eat her weight in Tikka Masala curry beforehand, or this guy is gonna be really disappointed.

WHAT IS IT? What about being FARTED AT is sexually exciting? The smell? The sensation of the rushing air? The fact a woman's ass is in your face? Some combination of the 3? The 'please be cute' part is great too, as if some woman (who, let's be honest, probably looks like a split can of biscuits) who is willing to fart on your face, is going to be a knockout. You'd be lucky to hit the 'under' on a 300 pound over/under bet.

Let's go to the vehicle ads. Craigslist vehicle ads run the gamut from knowledgeable owners who post thoughtful, honest ads with all kinds of relevant car information (rarer than a dog who speaks Norweigan), to tiny blurbs like "97 Buick...runs great, 183K miles, call Steve at 555-5555." The beauty of these ads is that they're actually very deliberate in their brevity. These short ads are usually accompanied by a tiny, grainy picture (on purpose) or no picture at all to conceal the slipshod condition of the vehicle in question. No mention is made of features, body condition, transmission type, engine type, options, interior, tire condition, maintenance history, primary type of driving...etc. You get the idea. Some mouth-breather is trying to sell a POS car and they want some other pissant who doesn't ask too many questions to be the unsuspecting victim.

This doesn't even get in to the most tooth-grinding part of craigslist's vehicle ads: the horrible spelling and grammar. I must warn you: the ad I'm about to post IS REAL. I found it on the minneapolis/st. paul car ads listings, and I believe it's actually still up there. I'll also warn you: it will make you want to give up hope for the human race. It may even make you wish to procreate profusely simply to offset the level of mind-bending stupidity contained within.

THE AD:

"it a mx6 1990 it is a good littel car run and drive good got a pineer rado and good speakers in the car bran new cluch and presser plate and fly weel so it shood be good for a long. it got 25xxxx moder has a small tick broble a lifter. i am willing to trade for a 4x4 i would like a chevy or a ford no dodge pleas and thans for looking my # is xxxxxxx "

Pause for a moment.

This person, a grown-ass adult, sat down and wrote that bullshit. Not only did they write it, they hit 'publish' and then saw it again in an email from craigslist. They published it for good after seeing it yet again when clicking the link in their craigslist email. This person has seen their handywork numerous times, and not once did it cross their mind that there might've been a period or 12 missing in there someplace, and that 'motor' is not spelled 'moder.' I've GOT to get one of those Pineer rados someday myself.

Perhaps the most hilarious part is that despite looking at this ad no less than probably 10 times in the past few days, I have NO FUCKING IDEA what he means by "small tick broble a lifter." I am really no slouch myself when it comes to the mechanics of car part names, what they do, and how internal combustion engines work. I've worked on plenty of cars and motorcycles in my time and I cannot wrap my head around that mind-fuck of a post.