80's Action-Style Review: Breakin'

* Author's note: The format for this and subsequent movie reviews is directly stolen from RuthlessReviews.com, a hilarious and incredibly intelligent movie and music review site that I truly admire.

* Rocky IV is a fantastic movie and is the best Rocky film. I allude to it in this review in a comparative sense with the film I'm reviewing here, but I do not in any way mean to assert that the films are even close to equal. They are not.

Breakin' (1984)

Tagline:

Push it to pop it!

Rock it to lock it!

Break it to make it!

(uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuugh)

Entire Story in Fewer Words than are in this Sentence:

Street dancers win over Shooter McGavin.

Homoeroticism:

Where the FUCK do you begin? First, let's get this out of the way: this IS the movie where that dancing Jean Claude Van Damme GIF comes from. And yes it's hilarious as hell when it goes down. Aside from spandexed Belgians, there's a whole truckload of gay going on in this delightful caprice of a film. First of all, our heroine (Kelly)'s best friend Adam is just ON FIRE. With his whispy pencilstache, wardrobe consisting entirely of pink shorts and legwarmers, his completely unconcealed lispy voice, and the simple fact he takes ballet, Adam just screams out gay. Interestingly enough he appears to have a romantic interest in Kelly early on, the viewer quickly finds out he's perfectly willing to let others step in front of him, so maybe he's just a switch-hitter.

Our two heroes, Turbo and Ozone fare a little better but not by much. They're break dancers, but still spend an alarming amount of time in each other's arms, high fiving, thrusting at each other, and hugging passionately. In fact, at one point, Ozone actually grabs another man on the dance floor, then proceeds to absolutely RAM his pelvis into the other guy's.

Although Ozone pines for Kelly's affections throughout, he ultimately settles for simply being able to dance with her as opposed to going any further. Huh? The manliest guys in this movie are the fruity ballet instructor and Shooter McGavin.

Corpse Count:

A big shitty turd of a zero. Technically this isn't 80'S ACTION, but there literally wasn't even a fistfight in the movie (I guess some rednecks get in a fistfight at one point, but it's such a damn lame scene I literally forgot about it until I was just about to publish this review), which qualifies as a huge letdown, considering this film was made in the midst of the bloodiest decade of films on record. The closest you'll find is Ozone getting real pissed that some phonies got up in his grill and pushing them. Take that, Pink Floyd Hat Guy (greatest attire in the movie btw).

How Bad is it Really?

Awful by all rights and standards, and doesn't even qualify as an action movie...more like a really lightweight version of a John Hughes movie. But still, there's lots to like. The dance sequences are actually pretty mesmerizing, and the film features the screen debut of ICE-T, motherfucker. Long before he needed a god damn gyno and walked around with Mariska "I look like I just smelled someone drop a deuce" Hargitay, ICE-T was about as hard as it got. Some nice close ups of the Technics "Wheels of Steel" turntables too.

But back to the film, it's horrible and the acting is a shitpile. Not as bad as The Last Dragon by a longshot, but the film definitely felt like it was made in that same vein. There really wasn't a Shogun of Harlem character, which the film was crying out for...just a tall black guy (the victim of the aformentioned pelvis assault) and his shifty looking Chicano partner who lamely try to outbreakdance our heroes and only initially win because they literally throw a Jersey girl onto the dance floor and win by...having...more...dancers..than the other team? It's never really explained.

Best Post Mortem One-Liner:

Considering no one actually dies in the film this category is pretty fucking worthless. There aren't even that many good quotes in it, to be honest. It's sort of like the Rocky IV* of breakdancing movies in certain ways: dialogue then montage, dialogue then montage...repeat until final climactic battle scene.

I suppose this would be the best one liner:

Turbo: You owe me seven dollars man.

Franco: For what?

Turbo: For teaching you how to dance sucker.

Stupid Political Content:

Hard to tell. If there is any it's definitely unintentional. Perhaps the entire movie could be seen as a thumb in the eye of Reagan's America, what with its homosexual overtones seeping into many of the scenes and the complete disregard for mainstream fashion, even by 80's standards. Still, at the end of the day this is a PG movie with a plot so thin you probably couldn't wrap sushi with it, so it's probably best left at that.

Novelty Death:

Damn. Next.

What You Learned:

1. The best way to impress Shooter McGavin is to successfully breakdance while Ice-T raps about being a great rapper in the background.

2. In Venice beach, there are people breakdancing ALL THE TIME. I have a feeling Vanilla Ice watched this film and took thorough notes before making Cool As Ice.

3. If you want a free hamburger in California, all you have to do is be gay and CLAIM that you have a relative that works for the health department.

Oh and there's a breakdancing cripple.

Record Review - Whitesnake: Saints an' Sinners

Recently, I decided that with my LP collection now numbering over a thousand albums, it was time to start going through and spinning some of them from top to bottom, and while I’m at it, review them. This is one such review.

Whitesnake’s 1982 album ‘Saints an’ Sinners’ was released during the Micky Moody era of the band, and as such is less akin to the more mainstream metal sound associated with the Coverdale/Sykes/Murray lineup of the mid 80’s and closer to straight-ahead blues rock. Not that this is a bad thing mind you, as the band at this point still had the services of Deep Purple keyboard great Jon Lord.

Saints an’ Sinners would be the last album released before the Slide It In album in ’84. As such, we begin to see the transition from the thinner, bluesier sound of early Whitesnake into the fuller, more monstrous sound associated with the WS albums of the late 80’s. In fact, two of the tracks on this album would be re-recorded for the 1987 self-titled supersmash album for reasons still unclear to me. This album also marks the most times you will ever see the semi-contraction “an’ “ used in song titles. FOUR tracks on the album have “ an’ “ in the title, and that’s obviously in addition to the album’s title. I imagine Coverdale looking back at this and wondering why the hell they didn’t spread those out a little.

On to the actual tracks.

SIDE 1

Young Blood – The album opens with this radio-friendly rocker which is at once a well-constructed pop song and at the same time completely forgettable. Typical Coverdale lyrical themes…you’re a young piece of ass and I’m an older gentleman who’s willing to keep you sheltered from the cold with my cock.

Rough an’ Ready – The immediate thought I had when hearing this was something like ‘Aerosmith could have easily done this song and it would have sounded about the same.’ The inescapable 12-bar blues makes its presence known early and assertively on the album via this song. This is the shortest song on the album (it doesn’t even break 3 minutes) and I get the impression this was a nod to the roadhouse crowd, a fast paced song meant to be played in places where they ‘sweep up the eyeballs at closing time.’ Again, relatively forgettable but enjoyable all at once.

Bloody Luxury – I had no fucking clue what to make of this shit. This sounds nothing like what you’d expect any Whitesnake song to sound like…ever. It’s a major-key exercise in complete debasement of the band’s signature sound. The first song to liken it to in my head was Queen’s “Tie Your Mother Down.” It’s a lively boogie but the upbeat piano part and definite NON BLUES vocals that nearly made me completely facepalm. And just when you thought it couldn’t get any worse, Coverdale goes one further than the horrible tradition of lead singers yelling “GUITAR!” before a guitar solo…he triumphantly shouts into the microphone with horridly concealed glee, “THE BOYS ARE GONNA PLAY IT!” before a startlingly lame guitar solo. Barf.

Victim of Love – This song is proof that you can do a lot with a little. The verse is two power chords that are just nailed over and over, but the song is definitely a standout album track. The KISS-esque verse leads into a chorus that jars you away from the monotony of the preceding lines, while overlaid with a tasteful rolling bass line. The bass track on this song is just bad ass. Lyrically it’s an obvious Coverdale song with typical “oooh that god damn woman she done me wrong ooooOoOooOhhh yeah” connotations, but I’ve never faulted him for it. The man can write a damn good song when he wants to. By the time the solo kicks in you realize the guitar tone is straight out of 1978 Jacksonville, Florida…definite southern rock flavor to that solo. I highly recommend this one for a listen.

Crying in the Rain – Yes, the same song from the 1987 album. Now that that’s out of the way we can actually analyze this shit. Easily the most well-constructed song (and the longest) on the album, it’s a Whitesnake staple that’s still played at every live show and has appeared in one form or another on all Whitesnake compilations over the years. I actually enjoy this version more than the 1987 re-record, simply because the emphasis is more on the vocals than on shooting your brain stem out the back of your head with boner-inducing guitar tone. The vocals here are more soulful and bluesy, as are the main riffs. The harmony guitar during the chorus is a nice touch. During the verse, the sort of creepy blues atmosphere is enhanced by a nice keyboard arrangement courtesy of the aforementioned Jon Lord. Gotta love this one…hard to argue with a big hit like this in any context.

SIDE 2

Here I Go Again – This song became Whitesnake’s biggest hit when they re-recorded it in 1987, but ironically I think it’s this version that sounds more like a pop song. This is the version in which Coverdale uses the word “hobo” which later was changed to “drifter” on the 87 version because apparently ‘hobo’ sounded far too much like ‘homo.’ That last sentence was not a joke; I think drifter sounds better anyhow, but that reasoning still makes me laugh, especially considering David Coverdale is like top 5 of all time in terms of writing songs about getting laid. This version is slower, sludgier, and less pleasing to the ears in most places. The tempo makes the song seem to drag, especially when contrasted with the re-record, which is much faster and better arranged. Still, this has never been a favorite of mine from the WS catalog…this is more of a museum piece than anything, just an interesting listen to contrast with the more popular version.

Love an’ Affection – Probably intended to be a party song and little more, it relies on a FUCKING annoying descending blues riff for the chorus. It’s repetitive, it’s meaningless, and the keyboard, for once, is actually OVERstated (people bitch constantly about Jon Lord being underused in this band and if this song was his idea I can see why. I’ve never been a big fan of overemphasizing keyboards). Listened to in the context of Whitesnake’s large library of songs about love, all of which happen to contain the word love in the title, this one just seems like they weren’t even fucking trying.

Rock an’ Roll Angels – The “An’ “ songs continue to roll at you, dear listener. My mental image when listening to this was of some 50’s diner with waitresses on rollerskates, douchebags in Hanes t-shirts and jeans, and Wurlitzer jukeboxes. Needless to say, that’ll piss a man off when he remembers he’s listening to a WHITESNAKE ALBUM. Fuck.

Dancing Girls – Finally returning to an aggressive rock beat, we get this track. I can’t really decide if I want to pick this as a suggested cut or not. The verse chord progression (anchored by another god damn brilliant bass line) is awesome, but the chorus is almost a bit too major-key at times to fit in the overall structure. I guess coming off the heels of the shitty abortion of a track that came before this it’s a welcome change, so I’ll give it a thumbs up. The song definitely contains some of the coolest riffs of the album and a tasteful, enjoyable keyboard solo that doesn’t seem excessive. Lyrically, the meaning of the song is astutely explained in the title…let’s bring out the strippers and go balls out wild, etc. etc. I have a feeling this one will grow on me.

Saints an’ Sinners – Based on the title I was almost expecting a bit of a Black Sabbath doom vibe but that was pretty unrealistic now that I think about it. Still, the synthesis of a dark atmosphere for the verse with a MASSIVE blues riff that anchors both the verse and chorus gives this song a thumbs up from me. If you had to play someone a song to illustrate the early-era Whitesnake sound, you’d pick a track like this. Coverdale does some bizarre shit where he fills in some spaces after the chorus by essentially saying grace…a nod to the semi-religious theme of the song I guess, but it doesn’t ruin it, amazingly.

Overall rating: 7/10. Not a bad album by any means, but a couple of the songs were just so atypical of Whitesnake’s style that I couldn’t really go higher than this, despite the recommended tracks being truly excellent. This is a great snapshot of the band at the time, as they transitioned towards a more mainstream metal sound that allowed them to ride a wave of success in the late 80’s. The follow up album would see the introduction of the METAL GOD John Sykes, and there was no looking back from there.