Star Trek: Generations (1994) *
Tagline:
"2 captains...one destiny."
Entire Story in Fewer Words than are in this Sentence:
2 old geezers kill 1 old geezer.
Homoeroticism:
Not much, but this isn't truly 80's Action. Kirk says something like "I'd do anything for the captain of the Enterprise" to Picard at one point, but it's William Shatner so it's automatically non-gay.
Corpse Count:
Hard to tell. The Enterprise B is heavily damaged at the beginning, resulting in plenty of off-screen deaths. Picard's brother and nephew die on Earth at the beginning of the film (off screen), which turns Picard into a massive emo bitch for about the first half of the movie. The Enterprise blows the shit out of a Klingon bird of prey killing everyone on board, but again we don't know how many. And finally our main villain, Dr. Soran, gets blown up at the end in a comically rushed explosion, with literally zero gore. Star Trek isn't really known for gory deaths or people actually getting directly shot or killed. Subsequent Next Generation films upped the corpse count a bit.
How Bad is it Really?
Actually it's pretty tolerable for the most part. Definitely not the best Star Trek film, and not even the best Next Generation film (First Contact takes that honor) but it's a solid watchable movie. Captain Kirk is on screen for about 1/45th the time Picard is and he STILL manages to prove he's the superior captain by foiling the bad guy's plans where Picard fucking failed, and dying a hero's death in the process. Like...seriously, I won't give too much away but if Kirk hadn't stepped in, Picard's actions literally would have killed the entire crew of the Enterprise and over 200 million people on an adjacent planet.
There's a really dumb sub-storyline about Data using his emotion-enabling brain chip with (I'm told) comical results. It goes nowhere and does nothing for the character. I imagine other more hard core trekkies were literally dry-jizzing themselves over Data doing things like using a tricorder as a hand puppet, but that shit was lame. Let's be real. Data's at his best when he's a robotic, logical, sallow-skinned version of Spock.
Best Post Mortem One-Liner:
There really isn't one. In Picard's typically lame way, he says nothing after the main bad guy is killed. Opting to sigh in relief instead. Kirk would have had a killer line, but he died saving the lives of millions. Picard's lack of post-mortem one liners isn't in a cool, scary Charles Bronson way, it's more in a 'thank god I didn't have to fire my phaser because I'm a vagina" way.
I guess you'd have to go with Data's emotion-charged "YEEEESSS!" after they successfully blow up the Klingon ship, which is pretty damn lame when you consider I already found the Data emotion storyline pointless and hackneyed.
Stupid Political Content:
Hrm...none really. There's no real Earth analog to a madman trying to jump into a light-years wide energy beam to achieve immortality. If there is, email me.
Novelty Death:
Since there are practically no direct on-screen deaths to even see in this movie I guess you'd have to go with the death of Dr. Soren, who dies simply because his missile he was going to shoot into a star blows up on land and kills him because Picard essentially turned on its parking brake.
What You Learned:
Kirk is, was, and always will be the better captain of the Enterprise.
* Author's note: The format for this and subsequent movie reviews is directly stolen from RuthlessReviews.com, a hilarious and incredibly intelligent movie and music review site that I truly admire.
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